Women! Is your smoking technique a bit off? Are you forever lighting the wrong end, trying to inhale through your ears or your nethers and generally making a complete tit of yourself in public?
Or perhaps you don't smoke at all, despite the many benefits of looking cool, smelling bad, and spending the long nights before your early demise shivering outside pubs as a procession of street lotharios barrel into you with increasingly lame pick-up lines?
Well, fear not! This handy guide to smoking for laydeez is sure to up your smoky game and bag you a nice hunky advertising executive. Not sure where this photo is from, but it was brought to our attention by fabulous Twitterers @annajleach and @finsbury. Click on the image to enlarge it.
"It doesn't matter how old you are: you are never too young or too old to feel stuck or, far better, to get un-stuck. I have seen teenagers sobbing that their life is a failure and I have seen 90-year-olds begin an exciting new life in a different country.
"Take a few deep breaths and remember a mantra, murmured by a slave in the ear of triumphant Roman generals: "This also will pass." The good things pass, and the bad things, too. The important thing is to keep dancing."
But how do you get unstuck? How do you 'keep dancing'?
Have you ever wondered how to get chewing gum off of you clothes? This hasn't happened to me in a while, but today seems to be a the day of gum. Earlier I learned in a video of Slut Machine getting her colon cleaned and learned that chewing gum gives you gas, and now CasaSguar has told me how to get gum off of your clothes!
I remember when I was younger I was told peanut butter is supposed to get that pesky stuff out of your hair, and that ice is supposed to help pry gum off of your jeans. However, now there's a much more sophisticated recipe for removing the Juicy Fruit from your Juicy Couture: egg whites. Yup! Apparently all you have to do is brush it with an old toothbrush and egg white; let it sit for 15 minutes and then wash it as usual. Nifty, huh?
People visit this site for all kinds of reasons. A lot, I have discovered, just want naked pictures of Carla Bruni, or want to know what the pink patch is. But some of you come here desperately needing our help, and who am I to say no? Here are my insightful responses some of the questions and searches that have lead people to Dollymix in recent weeks...
Can you be fat and well dressed?
- I really, really hope so. Otherwise I'm in trouble.
How can I airbrush family photos?
- Befriend a geek with photoshop skillzorz. Or get a new family.
Where can I find drunk female pics?
- Ever heard of facebook?
Rules for speed dating
- Lower your expectations. Don't wear a pink shirt.
I guess it all started with 'How to Walk in High Heels', didn't it? This glut of 'women's guides', covering everything from said walking in high heels, to how to sell old clothes on Ebay (The Goddess Guide), how to behave politely at an orgy (The Woman's Book), how to choose the perfect scent (Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me: Lessons in Grace and Elegance) to, rather more prosaically, how to unblock a drain (The Ladies' Loos: From Plumbing to Plucking, a Practical guide for Girls). Now I know publishing is a reactive industry, one that looks at what has been successful and commissions a dozen similar titles. But do we really need these teetering piles of books on how to get through life as a woman without completely cocking it up? Have we become that helpless?
In trying to be open and transparent about the experience, I have opened the floodgates further to individuals who have seen my reaction as an opportunity to “cruelly lampoon” me; and, there have been still other individuals who have not understood that the things the “cruel lampooners” said about me were untrue.
For me, that’s sucked quite a bit. As I mentioned last week: I did lose two job opportunities due to decision by someone, somewhere to permanently associate my name with the words “child pornography” on a Wiki in an attempt to “cruelly lampoon” me.
As Katie pointed out yesterday, women cannot win regarding their expression of emotions in public or lack thereof. There are so many stereotypical generalisations which link to our emotional expressions: if we hit out at the nearest (in)animate object, we are crazy unfeminine ball-busters; if we maintain stiff upper lips, we are emotionless fembots and if we cry too much or even in public, we are hysterical, irrational overgrown babies and can never be taken seriously by the big bad patriarchy.
It therefore seems that the only emotion a woman can show is to feel calm, serene and show a readiness to suffer fools and haters gladly. Yet, no matter how hard you try to stay calm for the sake of your project deadlines, your family and your sanity there are moments where everything explodes and you can't help but cry, rant and/or hit stuff. After the jump, here are my tips and methods on how to cope with these moments (plus a special treat for all of you emotional people!):
Imagine how much time you'd save if you could whip off your clothes with the Superman like speed showed by this man? You'd have extra time for showering, sleeping, and downloading Weeds on your laptop. Oh, the bliss. I can't quite work out how he does it though, but i assure you I will be practicing.. in the privacy of my own home.
Getting up in the morning is one of life's more sucky things to do, but unless you intend to stay in there festering away all day and to ignore the mounting bills, you've got to get out there. Pretty much every single day. But somehow, when it's warm in your bed and raining outside, it's not easy.
Among one of my weird compulsions is an absolute obsession with not being late. Seriously. Being late makes me panic and sweat and worry and conclude that whoever I'm late for now really really hates me. I also really like my sleep. This has led me to perfect a 30 minute routine for getting ready, which I am now prepared to share with you.
Prepare the night before
I think I get this from my mother. She used to make sure I had all my homework, sports kit, money for the bullies etc prepared every night before school. Now, I make sure I've got all the right stuff in my bag, my clothes are chosen (including underwear) and I've got the money for the bullies the night before. There's no room for AM spontaneity in my routine, people.