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[Photograph: Getty]

I don't believe I'm alone when I say Monday's a particularly dark day. The first day back to work after the weekend with a whole week ahead of you and a fresh to-do list that has been not only carried over from Friday's not-so-stressed-out-believe-I-have-time-to-watch-that-funny-viral-video-about-a -cat feeling, but also added to because it's quite simply a new week.

So with the dark day upon us, I feel it's time to kick off my Monday Moan. Each week, I'll be using Dollymix as my outlet and having a good old grumble about whatever takes my fancy.

This week, as I sit here at my desk, feeling a little sorry for myself with a bruised ear and ribs due to overzealous partying at the weekend, (sliding down the stairs face first in my underwear at 3am seemed like a good idea at the time) I'm covering off binge drinking.

As a nation we were pretty awesome; Shakespeare, The Beatles, Faulty Towers, the Monarchy, leading the industrial revolution and all that, but now we seem to be more famous for not being so great at football, obesity (which is a whole other Monday Moan) and excessive drinking. Oh and Simon Cowell.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Britain hater, if anything I'm pretty proud of my country, but people, me included, the drinking has to stop.

Below I've dispelled the top five alcohol myths my friends and I have learned over the years:

1. More shots do not equal better dancing. And don't even think about going near that pole.
2. A short, tight dress covered in Sambuca stains with a pint in your hand is not sexy.
3. Planking might well be funny at the time, but think of the dry cleaning bill.
4. The man you've just met while on the floor outside the kebab shop who tells you he's never met anyone so special even though you have sick in your hair, IS NOT marriage material.
5. Flashing your boobs to a police man might actually get you arrested.

So I sign off for the first week, sipping my detox tea, swearing off alcohol for a month and adding Sambuca and champagne to the list of untouchables. Women of Britain as party season approaches I urge you to take heed of the above and take it easy - hey you might even have a good time!