In September's issue of Elle the concept of the surrendered wife/girlfriend rears its head again, this time rebranded as passivity. It draws from the experiences of Laura Munson, a writer whose recent book This is Not the Story You Think it is.....A Season of Unlikely Happiness, tells of her reaction to her husband of twenty years telling her that he didn't love her anymore and wanted to leave her. What did she do in response to this? Nothing. In her words she simply "didn't buy it", so she just let him get on with whatever he felt he needed to get on with and quietly ignored it. After six months of this he crept back into family life again.
Elle's Alice Wignall tried the same tactic on her boyfriend of one year when he told her he didn't feel the same way about her that she felt about him. She simply pretended that he had never said it and carried on as normal. After six months she finally had the courage to ask him how he felt and he claimed that he didn't feel that way anymore.
Now, I can see how not flipping out, screaming, crying and begging might be a good way to deal with a bump in the relationship road. Men generally find such behaviour deeply unattractive and it often confirms their belief that you are "mental" and when the scenario is replayed to friends in the pub the general consensus is likely to be that he is "well out of it, mate". By all means employ the tactic of holding your head high and doing your thing regardless. But completely ignore a man when he says that he doesn't love you? Really?
The issue I have with this strategy is that it seems to imply that women need a relationship at all costs, even to the extent of closing their eyes to the reality of bad treatment. Just how long should the passive stance be employed? Not having the first clue what your partner is thinking for six months is not the kind of relationship I would personally want. I am more content alone than when attaching myself to an unsure man like a limpet.
The basic fact is that there is no clear strategy that can be employed that guarantees relationship success. These books that scream "herein lies salvation!" are selling you something first and foremost, and you could save yourself a lot of time and money by simply using good sense.
Ultimately, life is a lottery and finding someone to love long term is mostly a matter of sheer chance. Most relationships don't work out for good reasons and the passive stance would have us staying with people when we really should be moving on. We have to love ourselves first and foremost. That doesn't seem to fit well with the idea of allowing a man behave however he so chooses, while we stand idly by waiting for him to make up his mind. We know the kind of partner that we find most attractive. Well, flip that round and be that person. If that doesn't work, then "next!".
