Finding a way back to guilt free eating

Today I experienced a bitter sweet memory of childhood. Having had a bad day, I decided that some baking would be a good way to cheer myself up, so delved into the Hummingbird Bakery cookbook and selected their chocolate brownie recipe to bake my way out of my hole. Having chopped, mixed and poured the mixture into the cake tin I was left with that glorious moment: licking the bowl. However, as I took my first lick I was hit by a great sadness as I experienced a sharp twinge of guilt at the untold calories in the mixture and the memory of being a child completely unaware that there was any need to feel guilt at such a simple pleasure. Oh for the days before we realised that food was the enemy.

Alongside the eating disorders of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating, we now have the recognised category of disordered eating. Disordered eating (DE) is unlikely to be killing you, but is does mean that your relationship with food is deeply unhappy. DE can involve bingeing, purging and starving, but not on the regular basis that would justify a clinical diagnosis. Sadly, DE is incredibly common. How many times do we watch celebrities go on an "amazing new diet", lose masses of weight, start to go too far, then suddenly regain all the weight and more? You just know that at no point in that journey did they experience a moment's real joy. How do we know this? Because it's how most of us feel about food most of the time. How many friends do you have who don't eat carbs and claim to have some kind of deeply unmedical "intolerance"? Ever since I hit my early teens I have had an uncomfortable relationship with food. I have used it to reward and punish myself. On a couple of occasions my disordered eating became something rather more serious, but I managed to pull myself back into the less dangerous territory.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Just when we should be celebrating our lives of comfort and plenty we feel more guilt than ever at a good meal. Perhaps it is just another symptom of the over consumption that has become part and parcel of our western, industrialised existence. Scarcity has always had its own innate value and control of our food intake now sets us apart from the increasingly obese masses. Then there is the sense of failure and resignation that comes from believing that we will never meet that tiny physical ideal, so we may as well get good and fat.

Somehow we all need to get back to that childish way of eating, where food is at once fuel and simple pleasure. However, how we do this I have no idea.