Ukrainian Eurovision madness, Madonna marries Jesus, knitted boobies and chicken in a can

Would you vote for this woman?

This is Svetlana Loboda, this year's Ukrainian Eurovision entrant. Her video is quite the oddest thing. Very entertaining and really bizarre.

Even more bizarre than that Shakira video where she turns into a cartoon and attacks a woman, then Superman and Batman come to her rescue while she dances like a robot.

Come on over the jump to watch Svetlana's crazy video for 'Be my Valentine', and gawp at the rest of the freakery we have in store for you.

Madonna is - get this - marrying Jesus. No, not that Jesus, silly! Jesus Luz, someone The Metro insists on calling "Madonna's Brazilian tomboy" (pictured here with Madonna and a bunch of "orbs", which can only indicate the presence of what? The Holy Ghost?).

Hayz and Madge are getting hitched in a (now not very) secret Kabbalah service in New York.

However, the best thing about this story is the testimony of Jesus' dad (no, not that Jesus' dad, silly!), Luis Heitor Pinto da Luz: "I've spoken by phone with Madonna - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person."

Normal and polite. Every father-in-law's dream.

We already told you about the man-hunting bra - now behold the wonder of the bra-that-squeezes-your-boobs-together-when-you-are-sexually-aroused-thereby-enhancing-your-cleavage bra!

Apparently "inventors discovered the saucy side-effect while they were developing bras that adapt to changing weather conditions". And that's really all you need to know. Apart from the fact that they'll be available on the high street this summer for about £25.

Its seems this bra expands whenever your boobies get hot. And will no doubt provide a great deal of entertainment this summer on the Tube, watching ladies' chests inflate in the heat and confined spaces.

Still on a booby theme, it's national breastfeeding awareness week. If you're a knitting aficionado, why not put your needles together and make a knitted breast?

"It may seem like an odd request, but knitted breasts are proving themselves very useful in helping new mothers learn to breastfeed: they're soft, safe for the baby to play with and come in a range of shapes, sizes and colours - just like real breasts do. Breastfeeding can be tricky to get started with, so if new mums are going to have the option to try it, it's important that they get support."

You can get the deets and download the PDF knitting pattern via the Simply Knitting website.

And - penultimately - what's better than a whole chicken? A whole chicken in a can. Yes, there really is such a thing, and yes it is just as disgusting as you might imagine. Here's the link and I should warn you before you follow it: it does show the "uncanning" in process. You might want to line your stomach before you view it. Possibly with lead: Sue's whole chicken in a can.

Finally, here it is! Ukraine's Eurovision 2009 entry - Svetlana Loboda and 'Be my Valentine'. 'Popular UK-based entertainment news website' Hecklerspray describe it as "oily cake-based trapeze porn", but I'll let you make up your own mind:

Main image by Volodymyr Shuvayev, Flickr.