Are we all sitting comfortably? Full bellies and a sense of contentment? Good good good. Let's get down to this shall we? (Well, after the ad for BBC3's Being Human-anyone watched that yet? Is it good?) IT'S MASTERCHEF!
8:00pm Ahh here we go, the usual thing. People in it to win it, passion for food and all that. Come on, you know that at least one of them is going to serve up something rotten. Time for the invention round then: trout, pork, potato, chives, chilli and...what was that again?
8:04pm Only two minutes in and we've already got the first cliché. Simon has given up his job to be on Masterchef. Silly boy. I've got fifty quid on him serving up a bowl of tasteless mush.
8:06pm Scientist Susie used her pocket money when she was a child to go to a restaurant with her sister. Yeah love, the local newsagents doesn't really count. Also, the girl on now looks about twelve.
Oooh, this chap is doing a "soufflé" apparently. Someone's a fancy sod.
8:08pm The nervous policeman is out from the looks of things for his lack of "BIG FLAVOURS." If you're playing the Masterchef drinking game, you should take a slug out of your glass now.
Bloody hell that girl has made Wontons. WONTONS. I take my metaphorical hat off to her. Soufflé man's food is a taste of perfection. I am sad there have been no major disasters. WHERE'S MY RAW CHICKEN AND QUINOA SURPRISE?
8:12pm Right-so far we've got the guy who gave up his job, and Mr-Fancy-Pants-Soufflé man. Who will join them? IT'S MORAG! What did she make again? I got distracted by my housemate shouting at the boiler.
8:15pm Professional kitchen time. This head chef looks as though he's had his head squashed in a sandwich toaster.
Morag is cooking Scallops. Why do people on Masterchef always cook Scallops? Anyway, it looks as though she's burnt the arse out of that pan anyway.
Robin the Firefighter is used to pressure apparently. Yes, but this is a bit different from rescuing a cat out of a tree, isn't it? He's cooking kidneys anyway. Mmm...iron-y.
Simon is cooking sea trout. "He's burnt the fish but he's not going to give up." CHEF FAIL.
8:17pm Morag apparently is never eating scallops again. Yeah love. Bet you 20p you serve them up in the next round, like everyone ALWAYS BLOODY DOES.
8:19pm Mr Sandwich Toaster Face says Morag isn't much cop, Simon's alright, and Robin had a bit of breakdown. Simon is the best though. Give the boy a medal.
8:21pm Time for them to cook some masterpieces of their own devising. Robin appears to have gone off the whole idea of Masterchef. He is cooking Black Pudding though, because that is MANS FOOD AND HE IS A MAN. What's going to make it sexy though, ask the judges. I don't know. Get him to take his top off.
Simon is making Chocolate Pudding. Watch the baldy man make groans of orgasmic delight in 5...4....3....2....1!
Morag is doing Guinea Fowl with tangerines or some such. Sounds...appetizing.
8:24pm Robin's crab is...salty...bitter...should have more lemon on it. Black Pudding is filled with lovely "chalky" flavours. I'm sorry...chalky? CHALKY?
Simon's food is lovely although his pudding does look like a sponge explosion. Bloody hell John Torode. Open your mouth any wider eating that and we'll see what you had for breakfast. Baldy man likes it though.
Confession time here. I've never eaten Guinea Fowl. Or Rhubarb. I feel like I've had a deprived childhood or something. Bloody hell though, THIS IS A PUDDING BALDY DOESN'T LIKE. Seeing as this is a man who looks as though he would gladly eat a bag of sugar in one go if it was served up to him with a nice chocolate sauce, this is a shock.
8:29pm Right. Judging time. Morag's out. Simon's food is cooked with love, but is messy, but lordy you need to put him through. The other guy can't be bloody arsed!
8:31pm And...he's through! Hooray! Can someone please tell me what this backing music is though? It reminds me of my teenage years. It's not Ooberman is it?
QUARTER FINAL DAY
8:32pm Oooh, it's quarter final time. Huzzah! The crying North Eastern man who reminds me of Billy Elliot's Dad isn't crying for once (which is a relief), although he has just eaten a cherry in a manner which is FAR too lascivious for my liking.
Right. Simon could fail because he doesn't know the concept of time. Polenta girl is obsessed with....Polenta. Billy Elliot's Dad could fail because he's nervous, and also because he eats things in a manner which is far too sexual for prime time television. People, this is food porn, not proper porn.
8:37pm Recognition time! Polenta girl things the Blackberry pureé is pear. Yes love, because every pear pureé is BLACK. Also, she appears to be wearing the same necklace as
premier scary darts player Ted Hanky. Wonder if she's a relation?
Call Centre Man has recognised the Guinea Fowl. He also ain't too proud to beg.
I have become rather fond of Sexual Food Man. He seems sweet, even if he does have table manners which would make John and Gregg blush if they were to see them first hand in all their glory. Awww. Sexual Food Man to win!
Simon wants to put his "heart on a plate." Well, it's....innovative at least.
Who's going to go? POLENTA GIRL! HOORAY!
8:44pm Time to pull out the big guns. Call Centre Man is cooking Dolmades (OM NOM NOM), Duck with crushed peas and celeriac (doesn't that occur at least once every quarter final?), and then Strawberry Shortcake Stack. Is he a one-hit wonder though?
"Passionate cook Simon" is doing Black Pudding (again!- Mr Cay will be happy if he's reading this), then Pork Belly with five spice and Lemon...pudding...thing. Thinking big and dreaming big! Reach for the stars! Huge flavours! Phwooaarrgh!
Sexual Food Man is cooking classic comfort food. He's doing fresh herb broth, Venison Fillet with pepper and lavender crust followed by strawberries with lemon and balsamic cream. Tell you what, if he eats another cherry in front of us like he did before, I might just POP.
8:50pm Call Centre Man is up first. Dolmades are a bit....meh. No tzatziki-are you mad? The duck has a HUGGGEE amount of mint, and the dynamic duo love it. If you need to take a drink for the use of "bursting with flavour" DO IT NOW!
He's also onto a winner with the gentle juice of the strawberry shortcake stack. Wasn't that a prog band?).
Simon's black pudding sets fire to your tongue. What, not it's chalky? Main course of Pork with root vegetables doesn't appear to be working well though. Poor Simon-both his food, and he, are confused. DRINK TIME! Lemon Puff Pastry tastes like a dessert giving you a big snog. Nice image there.
Sexual Food Man's soup is a winner. I have to say, that does look damn tasty. Chocolate jus on root vegetables though? I am confused. It seems to be working though. Maybe he hypnotised them with his jiggling man boobs when the cameras weren't looking. The pudding appears to be a bit meh. Baldy appears to be smiling though. Here's hoping the smart money is on him.
8:57pm JUDGING TIME! Simon is out...they're not sure about Sexual Food man, and Call Centre man is a bit meh. Who's it going to be? IT'S CALL CENTRE MAN! (i.e Chris). Boooo! Wake up BBC!
His kids appear to be happy though which is quite sweet. Awwww. I've got a bit of a tear in my eye now.
Apparently on Monday they've got people who DIDN'T GO THROUGH LAST YEAR coming back to try again. Why though? How many semi-finalists are there going to be in this programme? Is it some bizarre kind of culinary survival of the fittest?
Anyway. That's me done for the evening. I'm off to soak my typing fingers in some Radox. See you tomorrow Dollymixers-hope you've had as much fun as I have! xx