d.jpgThis morning, as I was searching Google for the lyrics of Wet Wet Wet's "Love is All Around" (don't ask), a little advertisement popped up on my screen, which stated that if I texted in to their number, quoting the keyword "NAME", then I would be supplied with the first initial of my future husband. "Oh, joy!" thought I. finally, I was to be supplied with the answers I have been searching for for so long. Should I stay true to my darling boyfriend, or should I act on my secret crush? To whom was I to be ultimately united in matrimony? And all for just £4.50!

With my thumbs poised tentatively over the number pad, I began composing my message. "Dear Jamster", it read. "Please can you tell me..." and then, something in my mind clicked (okay, so I was never actually going to text in, but just go with it for the sake of story telling) and seriously... This stuff, I know, is meant to be targeting bored, naive teenagers, but shit, are they even this stupid? Even at 13 I'm pretty sure I never would have believed that something like this could be based on fact (I am, at this point, going to ignore the hours spent in my youth, trying to work out how compatible me and Nick Torry were using that cross off the letters in your name, add them up and work it out system, which, given the fact I used to average about 87%, I can confirm, is WILDLY inaccurate).

I've been thinking that, maybe if people are REALLY looking for a way to waste money, I should open my own text line. I think I'd call it "The Scientology Verse of the Day" text line. Because, Jamster has proven that the less something is based in reality, the more chance I have of the public texting in, and I'm hopeful that I'd get a high enough number of genuine nutters teamed with ironic students to make it a success. As both these text-lines are about as bullshit-centric as each other, it should therefore follow that they should be equally as successful.

If all that fails, I can always take the sex-text route. We've all seen the adverts late at night, raunchily dressed women rolling around on a bed, "text me", they're mouthing. And they're winking. God, how arousing. But then... Wait. Wait one minute! Look at the screen a bit closer. These women aren't arousing. They aren't arousing at all! It has all been a ruse, and they couldn't actually have chosen to advertise with more boner-crippling women if they'd tried.

On this basis, and bearing in mind that the trodden path of advertising sexlines relies heavily upon emphasising crushingly unsexy imagery and blatant extortion in return for basically nothing, when I advertise MY sex line, I'll just have a 10 second still of a penis on a guillotine, with the rolling text on the bottom reading "text FANNYTITS to 08100 for the most depressing sexual experience of a lifetime!" Add it all together, and my guess is that it can't fail.

In other news, Gmail seems to have taken to supplying me with a "funny quote of the day". This fact is worrying enough in itself, as Gmail does that whole "links we think you'd like" thing, based on what's going on in your emails. Obviously someone at Google thinks I need to lighten up. Anyway, today's reads "When I met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always!" by Rita Rudner. Really? Really?! That's the best you could come up with?! Well, thanks Google, if I didn't want to shoot myself in the face before, then I certainly do now.