Review: A complete history of my sexual failures

By Louise Orcheston-Findlay

sexual2_35010a.jpgA complete history of my sexual failures is a documentary by Chris Waitt. It previewed at Cannes last year and after reading reviews I finally managed to watch it last week on Virgin On Demand. I can safely say that it made me laugh more than anything has in a long while.

Chris, the director and star of this almost complete car crash (meant in the best possible way) of a documentary has had problems with every relationship he has ever been in having been dumped by every girl he has had dalliances with. Poor Chris.

However, as you watch Chris phone through each of his ex-girlfriends to ask them for an interview on camera, and as you listen to phones being slammed down and one girl telling him that 'hearing your voice makes me want to vomit' you start to think he must have done something pretty horrendous.

Turns out he has...

At 17 he snogged his girlfriend's mum at a wedding in front of said 17-year-old girlfriend, he is consistently 2 hours late for anything, he thinks he has chemistry with almost every girl he meets and tries to act on it, and finally has hundreds of unanswered letters from a girl he asked to write to him. These letters slowly get more and more irate until one begins 'Dear shit fuck...'

Chris's blank face while these and plenty more failings are related back to him is nothing short of priceless. Not a single brain cell seems to clock that maybe, just maybe, these actions have given rise to his unfortunate predicament. No, instead he decided that all the women he has had the misfortune to be dumped by have been mentally unstable.

Either way, a hilarious, if at times utterly cringe-worthy and horrifically frustrating watch. Every female who watches this documentary will find within it a trait of every man that she has parted ways with. Brilliant for remembering those terrible choices with a big 'how could I have put up with that?' grin on your face.

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