Now, I don't know how you ring in the festive season, but Christmas doesn't really start in this house until I'm propped up on the sofa, nursing a hangover, wearing my pajamas, scarfing down a breakfast of coffee and liqueur chocolates, and watching some mawkish made-for-TV movie.

So I've taken a look at the terrestrial TV schedule for the holiday and compiled my top 10 cheesy Christmas TV movie recommendations for 2008/9 just for you lucky Dollymixers (I know, I know, weeth my movies I am spoileeng you). Check 'em out after the jump!

You can keep your celebrity specials and network premieres of box-office blockbusters (actually, you can't keep them - I'll watch them, too). And you can yell at me all you like about the turkey being burnt to a crisp, the fact that we're three hours late for a party, or how my favourite film is Blade Runner, for God's sake.

But it will do you no good.

I will not budge from the sofa until I've seen the end of this early Lindsay Lohan effort/the new, shitter version of Miracle on 34th Street/this moving drama about a lonely Canadian girl and her budding friendship with a penguin.

This is my church of cheese and I shall worship at it with tears and chocolate...


10. JACK AND THE BEANSTALK: THE REAL STORY (2001)
Wednesday 31 December, Channel 5, 13:20
The bones of a giant are discovered turning Jack Robinson's life upside down, teaching him the truth behind the fairy tale and how he can fix a greedy ancestor's mistakes.

And it's got Daryl Hannah in it! She's my favourite actor who's played both a mermaid and a robot.


9. NOEL (2004)
Tuesday 23 December, Channel 5, 13:00
It's Christmas Eve in New York City, and with a little help from each other, five people will discover new meaning on Christmas Day.

Actually, this is a bit of a cheat because it's an indie movie starring Susan Sarandon and Alan Arkin, not made-for-TV one. But this just means you can lower your glasses and say things like, "Mm, yah, it's actually a really interesting exploration of social dynamics? And it had, like, a totally unique marketing campaign?" to anyone who asks why the hell you haven't moved for the last two hours.


8. HONEY (2003)
Saturday 20 December, ITV1, 14:40
Living in the 'hood, dance teacher Honey can only dream of the big time - until video director Michael spots her in a nightclub and decides to give her a shot. Fame comes at a cost, though, to her loved ones and the kids on her block.

Hooray! It's an urbanish tale of pluck and dance moves starring Jessica Alba! What's not to like?


7. SNOW DOGS (2002)
Tuesday 23 December, BBC1, 16:30
Slapstick children's tale in which an adopted Miami dentist locates his real father - a legendary husky-racer in Alaska - and finds himself having to compete in a race to save the family's pack of dogs.

Hooray! It's a funnyish tale of pluck and doggies starring Cuba Gooding, Jr! What's not to like?


6. SINGLE SANTA MEETS MRS CLAUSE (2004)
Saturday 20 December, Channel 5, 15:30
Nick's plan to let fate bring his wife to him must be altered because he must replace his father as Santa Claus on December 26.

Ever wonder what happened to Steve Guttenberg? Wonder no more!


5. PRANCER (1989)
Sunday 28 December, ITV1, 11:45
A young girl is desperate to keep the spirit of Christmas alive in a small American town where joy and goodwill have long been absent. She finds an injured reindeer and nurses it back to health before trying to return the majestic animal - nicknamed Prancer - to Santa Claus.

Oh dear. I think this might call for one of those isn't-this-a-pile-of-shit-could-you-pass-me-a-tissue moments.


4. A BOYFRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS (2004)
Monday 22 December, Channel 5, 13:00
On Christmas Day, Santa brings two lonely people together. But can love overcome deception?

Okay, okay. It stars no one and it's total fluff. I just love the title.


3. SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE (1985)
Wednesday 24 December, ITV1, 12:55
A disillusioned elf leaves the hard labour of Santa's North Pole workshop for the bright lights of New York, where he ends up making toys for a scheming business magnate. However, he soon realises that his evil boss is exploiting the goodwill of Christmas, and sets out to save the Yuletide spirit.

Oh, you know the one. It's got Dudley Moore as an elf and John Lithgow as an eye-poppingly evil worshipper of Mammon. Slightly embarrassing fact: as a wee bairn I actually had a small crush on Dudley Moore in this movie. Ahem. Plus The Polar Express and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are on directly after this, so you might as well cancel all your plans for the day.


2. WARGAMES (1983)
Tuesday 30 December, Channel 4, 14:05
When a computer whiz taps into the government early warning system, it invites him to play Global Thermonuclear Warfare. Little does he realise that this is not a variation on Space Invaders, and his gleeful decision to nuke Las Vegas precipitates a full-scale countdown to Armageddon.

Okay, again not strictly a TV movie but come on! Matthew Broderick (looking about five) and a giant computer. And imminent nuclear war! This could only be improved upon if Channel 4 was showing Project X directly afterwards.


1. A CAROL CHRISTMAS (2003)
Thursday 25 December, Channel 5, 14:45
Carol Cartman is an egomaniacal TV talk show host who is determined to destroy the festive fun in the studio, but she is given a chance for redemption when she is haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.

Drag your dining table in front of the TV and make your family watch this if you have to. It is the Christmas TV-movie to end all Christmas TV-movies. Why? Well, for a start it stars Tori Spelling and William Shatner, AND it features Gary "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis" Coleman as Christmas Past! Merry frickin' Christmas! Pass the bread sauce! Etc.!

Alas I shall be working for most of Christmas so I may have to rely on you to report back on how good/bad/so bad they're good these movies are.

What are your Christmas TV guilty pleasures?

Image courtsey of sburke2478's Flickr stream.