An amusing piece in the Daily Mail yesterday - in which Tanya Gold wrote of her first-hand encounter with ex-Vogue model turned spiritual guru, Cameron Alborzian. He was the one what was in the video for Express Yourself. So shall we start by reminding ourselves of what he used to do for monies:
FYI he was the one with the muscles. And that is all very well. But now, in a transformation from wordless hunk to spiritual guru which would make Derek Zoolander sigh with joy, he is a Yoga and karmic expert. Who, for up to £20,000 a week, will come round your house and restore your inner Zen. Now, deeply distrustful of wickedly expensive therapies as I am, I felt we Dollymixers must know more. So I have been on his blog and am delighted to report that:
1. He cannot spell. Witness:
Now, call me a rules-bound, grammar-stickler if you must, but there is nothing less sexy than boys what cannot command language. See: John Lanchester, Charlie Brooker, John Banville - three men who write impeccably and who are not exactly Vogue models. And yet still, by dint of their way with a pen, uncommonly attractive. You would at least go for a pint with them. At least.
2. He believes that what you eat directly influences how you vote. First, take a moment to ponder the magnificent twerpishness of such a notion. It is almost like reading The Demon Headmaster and believing it to be a non-fiction, cautionary account of a school-based cult. Also, were this true, would not our evil politicians have stage-managed elections, year after year, via the medium of the school dinner? (Answer THAT, you top-off-at-every-opportunity BERK, etc.)
3. He writes expansively about how greed is like, really bad. All very well, but as we have mentioned, he asks up to £20,000 a week for his 'services'. So one wonders if a) his services are akin to those provided by Patrick Swayze to the mature ladies in Dirty Dancing or b) if he gives all his money away. Our yang may be deeply out of its usual whack, but this is all deeply confusing, is it not?
4. He has the monotone to end all monotones. It is a bit like when you heard David Beckham speak and realised the fairytale notion of 'the whole package' was really something of a mis-steer. As an example, here he is in a videothing talking about food and why our fridges are a reflection of ourselveszzzzzzzz:
As you will see, he has that amazingly irritating habit of talking ponderously and then going 'hmn?' or 'yeah?' at the end of each sentence to try to add gravitas. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING INTERESTING. As in, "But what about the trees.....yeah?' - to which, incidentally, you should always, always reply 'YES, WHAT ABOUT THEM?'. Pointless, pointless fellow.
5. He thinks we should all turn 'insults into compliments'. FYI it does not say how to do this on his blog. But also remember that this is from the mouth of one of the most ridonkulously good looking twits in the world. It's a bit like when supermodels speak of being ugly ducklings at school / claim to have distressingly ugly ear-lobes. I mean, you know, WHATEVER. One suspects Yogi Cameron has spent his entire life being told he was sensationally sexy by photographing personages, so you will excuse me if I balk at his advice on 'compliments'.
6. He always has his top off. Which, to recall point #2 above, is somewhat distrust-making, and brings us right back to The Demon Headmaster and hypnotising gurus once again. It's all a bit 'listen to my wise Yogic ways as I just happen to rest my hand on my crotch and have my top off' i.e. NO ONE IS ACTUALLY LISTENING. They are just looking at your weirdly hair-free six-pack, you big silly. FYI it would appear no one has told him this, so he keeps blathering on, for a squillion pounds an hour.
And that, readers, is what I have learnt about Yogi Cameron, Spiritual Guru. Derek Zoolander - eat your heart out...
