Natalie Lue writes....
Regular readers of my column will know that I can't bear all the presence that seems to accompany motherhood, so I thought I'd share...
The bambino loves éclairs
You know all those times when I couldn't make it to the basket checkout in Waitrose without picking up a 4 pack of éclairs? Well the eagle-eyed bambino has a feverish curiosity about them. So I let her taste a bit one day - no chocolate, just the pastry and cream and now if I come within fifty paces of her with an éclair, she'll practically attack me for it.
I'm sort of relieved I had a c-section
I wouldn't opt for one because they're frickin' horrendous to get over, but at least I haven't had to worry about having a va-jay-jay like a clown's pocket...
I triggered a spontaneous giggling incident
I went to Jo Jingles a couple of times and I just don't know how Other Mothers do the circuit all week frickin long with these classes. The woman was so hyperactive, OTT, and maniacal that I wondered if she needed to shoot up in order to do the class. Even the bambino kept looking at her like she was strange and one day as the Jo Jingles teacher tried to explain a song rather long-windedly to a bunch of eight and nine month olds, making so many dodgy faces to illustrate the tune, I started snickering. It was like being at school! I half expected to be chucked out by one of the nuns! The singing started and the tears started rolling down my face and when I looked up and caught the eye of another couple of the girls, they started doubling up too.
Poo's and hunger come in very handy for escaping
Not my poo's and hunger, I should point out, but there have been a few times when I have been relieved of having to sit there and grin and bear it by the bambino's stinky nappies and hunger meltdowns.
I like get-togethers with kids that involve alcohol and/or silly stories dirty jokes, or games.
I have a limited threshold for talking about feeding, the latest new fangled book that tells you how to rear your child or put them to sleep, or baby weight comparison. Fortunately we have friends that like to hang out, let the kids run amok, then we have a few drinks and fight over the Wii.
I have been worried about the bambino's lack of teeth
I swear she has been teething since she was three months but today, at ten and a half months, we have a totally toothless child. I know it's actually normal but for some reason Other Mothers love remarking on how strange it is and how their baby has six frickin teeth and they're a month younger.
The bambino knows how to climb all three flights of stairs in our house.
Of course we don't let the little scamp do it without supervision, but we have filmed her doing it whilst I sang the Rocky themetune. She also performs for visitors. We now use her penchant for stair climbing to wear her out before bedtime....
I am paranoid I am turning into Dot Cotton
The boyf said to me today after I told him that I think I felt the beginnings of something sharp in the bambino's mouth "Oh I thought you were calling me to bitch about the Domino's Pizza guys!" Mor-ti-fi-f*cking-cation! I've turned into a curtain twitching, neighbour bitching mum at 30 years old. You'd think I have time on my hands but really I don't.
I am still wearing some of nursing bras
It's not that I have breastfeeding nostalgia; it's a case of that somehow my boobs are BIGGER than before I was pregnant and I hardly have any bras that fit and I am very time poor. Each time I go shopping, I get waylaid in places like Gap, Borders, and Zara - they don't sell bras!
I went to the gym once in the month that I joined
I had no time! I know it's only across the road but I have gone back to doing sit-ups every day most days and I've told the boyf that we have to get a Wii fitness board.
Natalie Lue has recently entered self-employeddom to be around her bambino and is currently telling the bambino to stop pushing mini banofee pies under the sofa...