Natalie Lue writes...
“Where have I gone wrong? I’m an attractive, successful woman and I just want to have fun and get laid. I work long hours and right now I don’t want to do the whole relationship thing. Most men seem to hate me for it and this surprises me because I always thought that it would make things easier. “
This is an excerpt from an email that a reader of one of my blogs sent me recently and as I read her tale of dodgy casual sex encounters and men taking her to task for her honesty, I shook my head knowingly because as most women who choose to sow their wild oats know: It’s still a double standard in a mans world and I wouldn’t hold your breath for that pat on the back. What did she think she was going to get? The keys to the big boys club?
I don’t know of any man who has been called a slag, slut, or hussy for going out and shagging at will and let’s face it, hell would have to freeze over and penises would need to drop off around the world before that happened… It has always been a right of passage for men to be able to enjoy casual sex…it’s just that often they don’t want to enjoy casual sex with women who want exactly the same thing. When women tell men that they just want them for sex, they’re not in love, and please make sure you get dressed and leave when you’re done, they go limp. Or they get abrasive. Or they sleep with you and then get abrasive. Or they get curious about why you’re not falling for him already and thinking that he’s a prince coming to rescue you and bring you into coupledom.
The great thing about the quest for equality (remember WE know we are equal but there are still quite a lot of people who need to catch up to that idea…) and the empowerment that women have experienced as a result is that by rights, we can do anything we want to do if it’s what we want and we confident about getting it. No longer do you have to play sweet, innocent virgin Mary or gagging for a relationship Rosie, because we have urges too and they don’t just have to be scratched within the confines of the illusion of a relationship, or the potential of one.
Unfortunately as long as you’re honest about your intentions, you may be leaving your sexual encounter with a headache and wondering why you bothered. We may well be equal but the sexes still do things differently and communication is one of them. Yeah you get some guys who straight up tell you that it’s just a bit of fun, but actually...most guys don’t. They let you buy into the illusion of the connection and the possibility of the relationship because it’s quite an ego boost. It’s nice that women who want to keep it casual feel confident enough to turn around and tell the guy, giving him a courtesy that most guys don’t extend, but this is a conversation too far in the casual sex arena.
For me, the moment that you need to start explaining your motives for what you’re doing and what you need them for, is the moment that it doesn’t feel quite so casual and easy anymore. Truth be told, the idea of guys being honest about wanting to hump us and dump us is nice in theory but whether you have a penis or a vagina, you still don’t like getting your ego knocked.
Of course there are some guys who get more interested the less that you are and from the moment that you’re not hunting him down for sperm and a relationship, step up the attention. Call me a bitch, but they’ve never had a problem avoiding phonecalls, texts, and emails, and neither should you!
If all you genuinely want is a shag (some women pretend they want casual when they want more because they think it makes it easier – that’s another subject…) then more power to you but be confident enough get on with enjoying the shagging and doing less explaining. Let them to do their ego-checking and rubbing on their own time. It’s cutting into the sex time…
Natalie Lue writes a few blogs on dating and relationships. Thankfully casual sex is not on her menu as she recently became a mum...