Natalie Lue writes...
When I was single people were always asking “Why are you still single?” as if I knew the magical answer to why I drew in assclowns from all over. I always thought that once I got a boyfriend that I would be free of inane questions but if people aren’t asking “So when are you guys getting married?” they are quick out the gate to ask when we’ll be giving our daughter a brother or sister.
Now let’s put things into perspective. Tomorrow it’ll be five months since the little minx needed two strong tugs to get her out of the cosy confines of my womb. That’s five MONTHS, not five frickin years! Where is the fire? We’ve been living in our house the same amount of time and we’ve only just started the renovation so you can be pretty sure that reproducing or getting married hasn’t been at the top of our agenda. Have people nothing better to do than ask silly questions? But most importantly, what type of response do they want?
“Well…actually…I just checked my cycle chart and I should be ovulating in…ooh…about 4 minutes…Sh*t! Come on boyf! Sorry, do you mind if we borrow your bedroom? We’ve got a baby to make!”
OR
“Actually the wedding is booked but you’re not bloody invited because you keep asking!” Before I get a flurry of emails from my friends or my mother gets carried away, I am JOKING about a wedding being booked!
To be honest, every couple that hasn’t said “I do” within a hot minute of meeting each other gets asked the marriage question but I am fascinated by the next baby curiosity. I know I ended up having a c-section and avoided having a busted up va-jay-jay, a dodgy pelvic floor and the possible use of Tena Lady pants, but I am still recovering. “I have had a C-SECTION you know!” I roared at the boyf a few days ago as a quick thinking excuse for forgetting to do something. “How long are you going to use that excuse for?!” Hmmmmm….
Most people have asked about “The Next One” but of course no two people ask with quite the same passion as the grandmothers. “She needs a brother or sister! She can’t be on her own!” my mother pleaded recently. Er hold on a second. My mum has clearly forgotten how long it takes for a baby to show up because it’s not like the next one’s going to pop out tomorrow…
“I dreamt you had a boy” said the boyf’s mum. She then proceeded to regale me with the full fertility history of their side of the family and the unbelievable number of twins – Her mum had four sets! As I imagined three young children under the age of two, I felt my legs clamp shut. “So watch out!” she declared jokingly and I felt my va-jay-jay shut up shop. One really is enough for now.
I remember sitting with my NCT group (God those were the days…) and the subject of “The Next One” came up and out of six of us, I was the only one who hadn’t worked out precisely when I was going to start working on it. Meticulous doesn’t even describe some of them… I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re putting ‘X’’s through the days on their calender. As usual, being the odd one out, it came round to me and I didn’t have an answer. “I…er…we don’t know yet…” as I wondered if I could 'Phone-a-Friend' do '50/50' or 'Ask the Audience'. Watching some of them staring at me as if I had horns and a tail, I willed them to turn into heaps of ashes…
Being truthful, I still don’t know exactly when we’ll have “The Next One” but even if we did, would we need to explain it to all and sundry? Does everybody need to know when we’ll be working on the next one because they plan to pop around unexpectedly and ask to borrow a cup of sugar? I recognise we didn’t plan the bambino but we are just getting our head around poo consistencies, weaning, breastfeeding, formula, burping and farting in our faces, sucking our cheeks, colds, her penchant for cricket and football, her continuous attempts to strangle me with my own chain, and her giving me goofy, gummy laughs when I take my clothes off. We just started decorating her bedroom four days ago!
So what will we do the next time my family start doing Eddie Murphy impressions and saying “I don’t see no ring on your finger” or people ask about “The Next One”? I don’t know…that’d require too much planning…but you can be damn sure that no matter what we do, there will always be SOMETHING.
Natalie Lue is currently on maternity leave and promises not to ask these questions!
