Part 2:One of my biggest problems with western civilization is the consistent demonizing of sex across history.
Let me rephrase that: one of my biggest problems with western civilization is the demonizing of WOMEN who like sex across history.
If you read this column last week, you know that I wrote an erotic story; and, that because of my fear of being penalized in my immediate society for the expression of my healthy sexual fantasy in the written form I published it under the pseudonym "*RetroBangs73."
Upon reflection: it was like kind of the whole “Madonna/Whore” (and, no I don’t mean the pop singer) paradigm in my head. Because I work with children I’m not allowed to have sexual thoughts and fantasies – let alone express those thoughts and fantasies in a public forum for the world to see. That makes me a – gasp – pornographer and unfit to work with children.
Where did I get this idea, I wonder? When the truth of the matter couldn’t be farther from it: the healthy expression of my sexual thoughts and fantasies in an appropriate forum makes me quite a normal, healthy, balanced person.
I thought about this further and wondered why it is that no one questions suitability of, say – my brother – to work with children when he talks about publications like Playboy or makes a joke rife with sexual innuendo and double entendre; but, when I write a story about a girl losing her virginity what I’m losing are my part-time babysitting gigs left and right.
Seriously, said one mother who would prefer to remain anonymous in context of this column, “Kate I googled you and found Violet Blue’s article in the Chronicle and don’t think you're going to be suitable to work with our family.”
Said I, “Well [name redacted] did you happen to read the coverage associated with that article?”
“No,” said [name redacted,] “I did not. I figured that based on the fact that the sex columnist for the Chronicle was writing about you that it probably meant that you’re not fit to work with children.”
Said I, as I walked out the door, “You know, [name redacted,] you ignorant witch, if you’d actually read the coverage associated with that article you’d discover that I’m the victim in the situation not the victimizer.”
Thankfully, most people who I work for or with have understood that fact; and, other than by the harsh words a few narrow minded moms and a handful of innerweb pinheads I have not felt ill effects of either publishing my fiction, posting about what happened to me or allowing Violet Blue to share my situation with a greater audience. I will say, however, that [name redacted]’s reaction to this was exactly the type of thing which I had hoped to avoid by publishing under a pseudonym in the first place.
Which leads me back to my initial statement: one of my biggest problems with western civilization is the demonizing of WOMEN who like sex across history.
Why? I query why women are penalized for being either sexual or vocal about their sexuality, when had been a man been in this situation I reckon that nary an eyebrow would be raised or askance glance would cast their way when the erroneous association of an erotic work of fiction with child pr0n (a FALSE association, no less, created by less than scrupulous people hoping to profit off of me) was publicized in context of the larger issue of “spam killing the Internet.”
I’m sure that were I a guy that no moms would be questioning my suitability to work with their kids, I would not be receiving ten emails a day calling me a ‘whore’ and there would not have been an entry on **Encyclopedia Dramatica calling me “painfully homely and overweight.”
(Yeah, er... I’d love to actually see the pinhead who published that statement, I’m sure he/she is a work of art themselves.)
I think about these things and I wonder what the f- is so bad about healthy sexual expression via erotica or legal pornography causes such reaction as this?
Before we launch into a historical discussion of the puritanical values which have been perpetrated upon western civilization: let me point out that sexuality – or, heterosexuality, rather – in men is celebrated and considered of high value in our society.
Oh wait, the archetypical Hollyweird image of “feminine beauty” is valued in women… by men.
So it’s not that as a society we’re completely opposed to sex and sexual expression: it’s just that we want to limit it, it seems. To being something we women cannot participate in or have to adjust our own images to fit.
Why is it that people (such as [name redacted]) have such a difficult time delineating between healthy sexual expression and sexual exploitation?
And, why is it when women – particularly young women – dare to express themselves in even the most begin of sexual contexts is it that (seemingly) they are overwhelmingly exploited by assholes?
In regard to the theft of my story and reaction of ze innerweb pinheads, Violet Blue said via email, “I have many of my own stories to share with you, argh...”
I can only imagine she does: if this is the situation which occurs when a single story or Flickr photo is published, I can only imagine what happens when you publish a weekly column or book about sex, sexuality or *gasp*god forbid*gasp* a woman enjoying pr0n.
(FYI – Violet’s a smart, tough cookie and this is why I admire her. I have had trouble taking the criticism/shitty comments I have received for my one erotic story; and, I can only imagine what the pinheads say to/about her… I’d probably cry. Openly. In public.)
The screwed thing is that sex and erotica is all around us: in art through out the ages, in pop culture and in advertising used to sell commercial products to even the most frigid of individuals.
So why do we spend so much time demonizing it? Why - in the eyes of some - am I any different than I was the day before I published that story? Is it because I publicly expressed my sexuality? Is it because I was victimized and people assume that has f-d me up past the point of being healthy? (It hasn’t… I’m bruised, but fine.) Is it because people – in general – cannot think outside the box when it comes to the topic of sexual expression versus sexual exploitation?
If that's the case, then why is it that I have no trouble in the world understanding that difference?
These are all questions which I do not know how to begin to answer: When it comes right down to it, I am proud of who I am and what I do – the support of people who care about me and inspire me have helped me to get to that place; and, for those pinheads, of the innerwebs variety or in real life, such as [name redacted] – I am learning day-by-day how not to be bothered by your ignorance and hate – I’m discovering that you are the ones with the problem, not me.
I’m just an average, healthy creative, geeky, pr0n/erotica lovin’ writer girl a-whirl in the world.
*Name created partly in homage to Bettie Page, partly because I have retro-bangs and partly because I was born in 1973. Quit asking me why I chose that name now, please. Thxbai!
**At the time this column was posted the ED entry had been removed… I’m sure it had nothing to do with some smart geek girl who knew how to edit a Wiki deleting or editing the content of the entry twelve times in the span of 24 hours. If you happen to pop over to ED and see the entry republished after this column goes to press, please email me so that the edit/removal war can commence.
[Photo via Betty Page Archives]
