Professional mums, the death of my NCT interest & not competing in motherhood

Natalie Lue writes...

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t competitive. I like to overachieve at work, win board games, and I’m still sulking that the boyf has a far bigger brain than I do on Big Brain Academy, an accolade he achieved by taking advantage of my pregnancy befuddled brain. However, when I took up this motherhood mallarky, I expected caring and sharing, not entering into an 18 year long marathon with women who attack their roles of motherhood as a cross between professional mum and rehab member.

Like thousands of women around the country, I took out a National Childbirth Trust (NCT) membership and paid to take their antenatal classes. It’s supposed to be great for meeting people who are going through the same experience as you from the same walks of life. It’s basically a mothering club for the middle classes when you break it down… The initial get-togethers were quite funny, bitching about being huge, too big and tired for sex, and feeling like you were constantly showing off your va-jay-jay to complete strangers. As they all popped and my baby stayed in its warm little oven rather stubbornly, I admit to feeling my only tremors of competition as I realised that despite being due second, I was in danger of popping last…

Meeting them with my daughter in tow was a different experience that was the start of a rapid downhill slide. She committed the huge offence of not only sleeping through the entire afternoon of her first meeting, but her mum cocked up by responding with “Yeah she’s sleeping and feeding well” instead of “I’m so exhausted that I need to prop open my eyes with toothpicks…” The mother who asked snapped “Ha! We’ll see how long that lasts for!”

I didn’t know that these groups tend to be knitted with misery, armchair psychology and parenting advice….and competition. I was just being stupidly honest. The boyf suggested that I should play things down because they would probably feel comfortable if I showed more signs of struggling. He was right of course but as the weeks progressed, I dreaded the meet-ups and felt increasingly on the outside.

Each week we talked about baby weights, breastfeeding, trying out formula, breast versus bottle, trying to get babies into routine, and of course the holy grail of professional motherhood…getting your baby to sleep through the night. We weren’t engaging in healthy debate or discussion, or getting to know each other. Instead it was a fight for supremacy for people to browbeat others with their views.

If I lived in America where many go back to work after a month, I might be different, but my baby’s only battling for my time on the internet and the never ending housework, so a rigid routine is not of high importance! She’s not the ”angel baby” my NCT group refer to her as - She can be a right pain in the arse and months of broken sleep mean that I feel permanently tired. But this is just my view and how she’s parented is our choice. I’m not parenting by democracy taking my lead from a group of women whom I’ve known for a short period of time.

Last month at our first girls night out, I was subject to a dubious race comment and treated like an outsider all evening. I went home and sobbed on the boyf, pouring out weeks of frustration and isolation and that was the end of me turning up each week.

NCT groups are great for people that really need that extra support but you always have to remember that you don’t actually know these women and that for true friendship to thrive, you need to have more than the fact that you gave birth and grimaced around the same time in common. It’s not like I don’t have great support from my and friends, and since I stopped the meetings, I have kept in touch with those that I can forge a friendship with. Sometimes the group dynamics just aren’t right.

I don’t want to be a professional mum, declaring all that I do perfect and trying to get others to follow my lead. I don’t want to compare weights or lie about my baby’s progress, and pretend to be miserable each week because I’m too old to be pretending to be something that I’m not. I can’t talk about babies for four straight hours and I need to talk about sex, politics, work, interests, and the latest telly addiction. I know I’m not alone in this feeling and whilst it seems that there is no choice but to get in line and run the marathon, I’ll be doing it at my own pace. They tried to make me go to rehab but I said No, No, No…

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Comments

This article is all too familiar to me...my sympathies. I bid a hasty retreat fom the NCT when I turned out to be the only single mother in my group. I also commited the ultimate crime of being under 30 (at the time *sigh*) and was treated with various degrees of distates and distrust. Ho hum.

Posted by: katy | September 18, 2007 12:54 PM

Many Blessings Natalie. Tell your soul truth. It gives us all permission to see our own light and share what is deepest in our souls and hearts. I amazed at the motherhood journey. I am not a parent yet to a child, but I do share my gift of mothering with friends' children in the USA. One of the things I enjoy most is hearing what it is really like. For those of us who have yet to enter the fullness of the motherhood journey, your comments keep it real. Your candor and insights are much needed. I think you send a copy of this column to USA magazines and web sites so women of color and other women know what the dealio is from one sistalove in the UK. It expands our understanding of each other and self. Sharing across the great pond of the UK, USA, and other places via Internet columns like yours is much needed. Keep writing, reflecting, and sharing. Most importantly, continue to shine your light, speak and live your truth, and parent from your heart and good sense. Peace, Ananda Leeke in Washington, DC

PS: I just came back from the park doing morning yoga. Your column was the first thing I read with my breakfast of apples and tea. Yummy reading.

Posted by: Ananda Leeke | September 18, 2007 12:59 PM

Katy, I hear you! They probably thought you were a potential husband snatcher! Because of course you are on the lookout for a new dad and it must be one of their men. That's so pathetic! I must admit that I knew something was wrong when I was nervous about admitting how long I'd been with my boyfriend for... Stick to people that you know or at the very least don't greet you with narrowminded eyes...
Ananda - Thanks hun. I do my very best to be honest as I don't do BS. Plus I think that many women feel compelled to pretend that motherhood is totally different to their reality. Thanks for your suggestions which I shall certainly look into . Big hugs xxx

Posted by: Natalie | September 18, 2007 7:55 PM

Oh thank you great Natalie for making it ok to hate my antenatal group. There just doesn't seem to be a place for me there.
I am 25 - this alone seems to ostracize me. There are a few girls in their mid-teens who sit bored until they can decamp for a fag break and a bitch about getting 'well fat'. I am also not welcome with the older mums who 'don't know how us young 'uns will cope'. I know this sounds like drowning in a sea of stereotypes, but it is true!!!
I have also been instructed that my plans to work after the baby is born are 'selfish' and that if I am so concerned with my life then I shouldn't be bringing another one into this world. Which I feel is sharp criticism from women I have shared little more than a cup of tea and a Hobnob with! I would much rather tackle the chatter of my childless friends, even if I am scowling at their non-swollen ankles...

Posted by: Kelly-Marie | September 19, 2007 10:47 AM

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