Up until recently, my idea of commuting to work was a half-hour or more in my car, on a northern California freeway. However, now I'm a proper London commuter: grumbling about tube delays, the lack of AC, and sporting regular bruises from *important businessmen* elbowing me in the ribs while they read The Times.
So, I'd like to take a moment to talk to my fellow commuters in how we can all be less irritating. (And, in turn, lower my blood pressure.)
Male Commuters:
I know you're important. I know you're got a wife and kids. I can tell from the fact that your suit is nicely pressed, and your shoes are quite shiny that you definitely need to get on the tube before me because you're the most important person on this entire platform and YOU need to get to WORK.
But here's the thing, do not push women out of your way to get on the tube. It's just rude. If you're in a seat, and a pregnant woman, or older person gets on the tube, offer them your seat. You don't need to offer every woman on the tube your seat, but just be polite. The same goes for men. If you see a fellow male struggling to stand, or you're both standing in prime position to sit down, offer it to the other person first. Ya know, just to be polite and make the tube ride home less irritating.
And this brings up another thing. Do not leer at women when they're on the tube or train. Do not rub up against against us! And while we're at it, wanking, flashing, mooning or spooning on any form of public transport is NOT SEXY. We don't like it! So STOP!
Female Commuters:
Firstly, unless you are a pensioner, please don't act like one. It is not your god given right to have a seat on a train. Nor is it every man's god given obligation to offer you a seat. If you've been standing on the platform for 20 minutes waiting for the train, I'm assuming you can manage to stand for 15 more until we get to Clapham Junction. Therefore, please do not shove me out of the way with your massive handbag to try and beat me to a seat. (And please don't hover over me while I am sitting.)
Speaking of your exceptionally large handbag, please keep it the hell off my ribcage. I know it cost you a lot of money. I know it's like the child you've yet to have. However, here's a hint: When you're standing in a crowded train, and you've got your handbag on your shoulder, if you take it off, and place it on your feet, you will automatically create a space almost twice your size! Amazing right? Doing this will also stop the people around you, and probably me, from glaring at the backside of your head.
Anyone and Everyone on The Tube:
If you've got one of those super-helpful rolling suitcases or bags, please pick them up and stop rolling them when you're transferring platforms. Or going up the stairs. Or standing in the middle of the platform squinting at the tube map. JUST PICK IT UP.
Oh, and please, if you're reading the paper, fold it in half! Fold it in a quarter! Keep your elbows down!
