Details Blog help men decide if it's "okay" to "demand anal sex" (Seriously.)
So, I'm searching around blog land and I end up on Feministing, because I love it so, and what do I see but a woman laying on her stomach with a train heading up her butt. Yes. Seriously. So, I click the link over to the ridiculous blog on Details to see the headline "Is it Ok to Demand Anal Sex?" with the accompany "train in butt" photo.
Now, I realize anal sex isn't one of people's favorite topics (or mine), but I feel like we're going to have to go there because of this craptastic article.
Details introduces to us Phillip, an engineer in Chicago, who says that "once a guy has anal sex, he's put on a pedestal by his peers" and that it's a goal because it's harder to get women to agree to anal, versus normal intercourse. Ugh. Phillip also shares with us his charming way of asking women for anal sex ("Can I put it in your butt?") and reassures the Details readers that women love it: "It hurt them the first time, but after that they always said they enjoyed it - if not a little, then a lot."
John, 30, who is a writer in New York, says that he thinks anal sex is more about dominance, and "getting someone in a position where they're most vulnerable" and admits that's its really just something that's more of a surprising treat: "But it's not like girls are ready for it. It's something they do when they're really drunk." Charming!
However, it must be said that some guys aren't into anal just for the dominance of it, but because it's intimate! Albert from New York says that his long time girlfriend doesn't want to have anal sex, so he therefore doesn't think he can marry her "knowing I can't go to all the places I can go with her". Albert! You romantic fool! Romeo also goes on to say that,"The physicality of it, being painful or whatever, shows how comfortable the girl is with you." Yeah. You know women sooo well!
Here's the thing, guys. You may not demand sex from any woman, even if she's your wife. That also means that you may not demand oral or anal sex, no matter how much you think they'll like it, or no matter what sort of pedestal it puts you on with your friends. I'm surprised Details is even asking if its "okay" to demand any sort of sex! Have we learned nothing, boys?
Feminism is not a single coherent movement. It is a malaise of efforts. And it stems from nothing less than a form of collectivism. Gender issues will never be fairly dealt from a ground zero lauding the plight of just one side.
We see what we want. This article is laughably biased. I suggest you reread it and ask basic questions like:
Why is Details magazine, within this article, both ridiculed and yet oddly held as some sort of authority for the male voice? Fro example she quotes sections by people that even the Details article does not claim are experts or standardized examples, as if their words say it all. But isn’t this is the article she’s attacking? Isn’t that a contradiction?
Why is anal sex presumed by the author to be an uncomfortable subject? Obviously for this author it is. But many if not most couples, gay and straight, are simply not so squeamish. The Details article addresses the subject precisely because of it’s current rise in popularity amongst both sexes. Yet this author feels it’s appropriate to insult the act from the get-go (“…anal sex isn’t one of people’s favorite topics…”) …Totally unnecessary. And yet it is an attitude that pervades the piece (such as when the author mocks the very idea of anal sex as an intimate act—without argument—as if we can just take her word for it).
Why IS anal sex implicitly treated as banal and base? Some throwaway comments regarding the psychology do not impress. It’s sophomoric to suggest that anal sex is a mental game and expect this to be a revelation. All sex is, or can be, depending on your definition. And it’s ignorant to suggest that is ALL that anal sex is. Do gay men never make love? Do lesbians never explore the anus? Do straight men not have their prostates stimulated? Do straight women not enjoy anal sex? Anal sex, as any form of sex, can certainly be intimate and respectable. The dirty mind here is the author’s.
And come to think of it, what is wrong with the mental games we play? One can go too far, but the brain is the largest sex organ, and for both sexes countless valid and engaging mental games exist.
Why is anal sex assumed to be desired by, and pleasurable for, only the giver? Since when can we take it as granted that the receiver of anal sex does not enjoy it?
Define “demand”. This author took the word and ran with it. She’s venting when she rants about no man having the right to demand sex of any kind from a woman. She’s twisting the word’s use into a literal I-have-a-gun-against-your-head form of demand. Well hoo-rah for her own brand of feminism: I mean who’s going to argue with that? Problem is, while obviously no partner should become demanding to the point of manipulation, control, intimidation, threats, etc., nothing in the Details article suggests those forms of demand. The article in Details was about relationships and what is acceptable to ask of one’s partner. It discussed motivation; It actually questioned the issue very evenly. Use the link; See for yourself.
Now let’s freshly regard the word “demand”: Let’s set aside the extreme forms of demand, those which should never have been centered on to begin with. What are we left with? Do we not demand love? Attention? Communication? Mutual fiscal responsibility? Sex? And are we not right to make these demands (to a reasonable degree) on our partners? And what acts are and are not ‘reasonable’, are they not defined within each relationship? Is that not what partnership is about: Give and take? I have a sneaky suspicion that if this article addressed women ‘demanding’ oral sex from men the tone would vary greatly.
And so couples must make that choice individually: what sex-life will satisfy me in this relationship? There is nothing selfish about given such basic consideration to such a fundamental aspect of a relationship as sex. It is immature to not consider sex in the relationship. I for one do not feel anal sex is "too far", as neither do many happy couples that do so engage. And I would add myself to that list of people who would feel unsatisfied sexually if my partner NEVER consented.
By nature articles tend towards bias. But an article attacking with such bias the supposed bias nature of another article... that's embarrassing.
P.S. The Headline is NOT "Is it Okay to Demand Anal Sex". IT speaks volumes that she is willing to misquote even that. The actual Headline, far less sensational, and missing that key "demand" word, is this: "Is Anal-Sex the New Deal-Breaker?" Additionally, much of the feedback is from females with positive things to say.
Posted by: Brandon Smoot | August 21, 2007 5:45 AM