Diane Shipley writes about her experiences as an ill person in a well person’s world...
A good impression.
After the last few years with M.E, I can confidently say that I've progressed from being really ill to being... not very well. They may sound like the same thing but actually they're light years apart. Being 'not very well' as opposed to 'really ill' opens up a new realm of opportunity for one simple reason: you can trick people into thinking you're well, and thus experience some aspects of "normal" life. (Even though in my case, I'm nothing like normal, ha ha ha).
When I was bed-bound, sofa-bound, or housebound, crumpled in a heap both mentally and physically, no-one could have mistaken me for a well person. But now I'm (to use recent examples) going to a wedding reception, booking a holiday to New York and meeting friends in cities that are not my own, no-one would ever think I had a debilitating neurological condition.
Of course, what people don't know about is the behind the scenes 'stuff' that makes my appearance as a fully functioning member of society possible. People don't know that I have to write down a detailed plan for what time I should get up, get dressed, catch the bus on the day I meet my friend (otherwise my brain will melt). They don't know that I spend a few second most mornings blinking back blurred vision, that I do self-hypnosis constantly whilst talking to people so my adrenaline doesn't run rampant (as it is wont to do - my hormones are knackered) or that I won't leave the house again for at least four days after an outing.
They certainly don't know that I've taken tablets to quell symptoms from an upset stomach to (thankfully rare) shooting nerve pain or that, despite my best efforts, I don't remember the last time I felt truly free of depression.
But I don't want anyone to know all that. Nothing makes me happier than the fact that I can now get by as a "normal" person. I don't want sympathy and pity, I want respect. I have some work to do before I become well, of course: I need to rest more consistently, improve my diet (yes, still) and get those knackered hormones sorted out.
It can sometimes be painful when I realise I seem okay to most people but I know I'm not. When my friends meet me for a meal then go out clubbing while I slink home to bed or when a particularly intense day of shopping wipes me out for a week. Or even when I want to dance at a weddingand have to sit this one out, instead. But having made the move from really ill to not very well, I'm confident that given time and a prevailing wind, I can make an even bigger leap: from not very well to a vision of radiant health.
Watch this space.
When not writing about her health issues, Diane co-edits Shiny Media’s fabulous women’s fiction blog, Trashionista. She also contributes to TV Scoop, Catwalk Queen and her personal blog, What Do You Do?.Just like a normal person!
