Amber McNaught's weekly column on all the things that make her see red.
Apparently there was some kind of football match on this weekend. I know! They kept that one quiet, didn't they? I mean, if it hadn't been for the blanket media coverage, plus the fact that I could almost hear the crowd noise from my house in Scotland (the match was in London), I would have completely missed it.
No such luck, though. Because, when you live in the UK, it's just not possible to miss "the football". Unless you quite literally barricade yourself in your home, and impose a complete media blackout, you will be hearing about it, whether you like it or not. And I? Don't like it.
To be fair, it's not so much football itself I don't like, as the sheer hysteria the entire country seems to succumb to whenever there's a major match on. It's the assumption that everyone is interested in sport, and in this sport in particular. The way people will ask you "So, who are you supporting?" as if the idea that you might not give a damn is completely unthinkable. The way they will continue to update you on the score and make comments about the game, even when you make it clear that you'd rather eat your own feet than hear about it.
And it's the commentators. The hysterical, just-about-to-give-themselves-a-coronary commentators, and the way they wet themselves in excitement every few seconds. And the crowd noise. Of all the things I hate about football, I think it's the crowd noise I hate the most. (Oh no, wait. It's those sweaty-looking "strips" I hate the most. And the fact that they're called "strips".) The way the crowd keep up that non-stop, low-level jeering AT ALL TIMES, making them sound like a bunch of savages. Which, actually? They sometimes are.
These are the reasons I hate football - and that's not even touching on the culture of violence it so often breeds: don't even get me started on that . And OK, I know lots of people love football, and I know it's the national obsession, but seriously, is it not about time we got a new one? I vote for fashion, personally. I mean, I love fashion, and so do a lot of other people I know. I can't help but notice, though, that when London Fashion Week is on, the country somehow doesn't whip itself up into a complete frenzy about it. Fashion doesn't get its own section on the news. Offices around the UK don't bring in TV sets and allow their staff to arrange their working hours around the coverage. (Because there is no coverage. D'oh!)
And while we're on the subject of working hours: when Fashion Week is on, there are no news reports talking about how many of them are lost due to "the fashion". This is because no working hours are lost. My interest, you see, is considered less important than yours, if you're a football fan. Missing work, or taking a long lunch to watch football on TV may not be considered "OK" exactly, but it's at least understandable. It's The Football, after all! We all love The Football, don't we?
Well, no. I don't love the football. (Are you getting that I don't like The Football, here?) And no, it has nothing to do with the fact that the Scottish national team are crap....
Amber McNaught is a freelance writer and regular Shiny contributor. She is not football crazy, but she IS a little football mad, come to think of it.
