Gemma Cartwright bemoans the world of the tanorexic...
Newsflash! I am pale. Very, very pale. And I don't tan. Seriously, I don't. I go pink, I go red and then I go white again. Every now and then, with a bit of willpower and a lot of factor 45 I might go a shade darker than my general Casper The Friendly Ghost pallor, but it's definitely not a tan, nor will it ever be.
Sadly, I have the slight misfortune of taking holidays with a friend who turns the colour of caramel the moment she looks at the sun, and spends the rest of the holiday pointing at people and saying really inappropriate things like "Wow, Gem, look! Someone paler than you."
Now I love my friend to pieces, and at least she has the decency to tan safely, using high factor sunscreens, alternating between loungers in the sun and the shade. But comments like that are the reason that I smell constantly like a stale digestive biscuit in the weeks running up to our trips away. There's barely a fake tan or gradual tanning lotion out there that hasn't at one point stained my sheets (or elbows and ankles). It all goes down the drain within the first few days (sand is a natural exfoliant, after all) so I really don't know why I bother, but I do.
There are people out there that say fake tans don't smell. They're lying. Some of them smell less than others (Palmers do a good line in chocolatey tanners, and L'Oreal try their best) but they all have that faint hint of baked epidermis lurking somewhere. Even the lotions with only a tiny bit of fake tan smell...and stain. Just ask my (male) housemate, who came home the other day with smelly orange palms after helping a friend apply the stuff. Oh, how I teased.
Despite going on for years about how a 'healthy glow' gives confidence, makes you look thinner and allows you to wear white without looking like a complete idiot, magazines have tried to bring 'pale and interesting' back recently. Don't even get me started on how annoying that phrase is. There's nothing 'interesting' about having skin that goes lobster-esque the moment the sun comes out. It's the one thing people still think they can take the mickey out of. One year I was invited to a festival at the very last minute ("I'll pick you up in 20 minutes") and I forgot to pack any sun protection cream. It turned out to be the hottest weekend of the year. My nose actually blistered on the first day and I spent the rest of the weekend with a t-shirt over my face blagging cream from people around me when my so-called mate refused to share her hat. When I got home, my face proceeded to slowly peel away over the next few days. Sexy.
What always surprises me is the reaction from those people who tan easily when I tell them I don't. "Really? Never? Surely if you put on a lower factor or just stay out for a little bit with nothing on?" Um, no. "What about after you burn, does it go brown after?" Maybe, but I'd rather not court skin cancer, thanks. The complete lack of understanding of safe tanning - despite all the publicity it's received over the last few years - still blows me away. I know dozens of people who still lie in the sun baking themselves with SPF2 oils or no sun protection. You may as well slather yourself with lard and write 'give me cancer now' on your back. Just because you don't burn doesn't mean you're not putting your skin at risk. A tan, after all, is the skin's way of defending itself against further damage.
If I were a bigger person I would give up the fake tans and the gradual tanners and just go with what I was born with; freckles, moles and all. But until I can wear black tights in August, I need a bit of colour to stop people (my mother included) making comments, and I won't be getting a tan naturally any time soon. Not while I keep on piling on the children's SPF 45 lotion, anyway. Better safe than sorry, I say...
Gemma Cartwright is about to go home and put on some Fake Bake spray-on tan. Don't judge her.
