This week, Charlotte Howells attempts to get her hands dirty by doing a spot of car maintenance...
I have a feeling I may well let down women kind with this one. You see, I don't not tend to my motor because I don't think it's appropriate activity for a lady. I don't do it because I don't want to. I am not a practical person. I can't build flat packs, I can't undo screws, and I can't maintain my car without calling for male help. In short, I'm pathetic and I'm a walking stereotype...
I'm not planning do try anything dramatic here - I do need to go places and I am the person who broke her brand new £100 juicer by putting it together wrong. Checking the oil, water levels and water squirting thingys is as far as I'll go. Armed with my Hayes car manual (a present from my dad) and vague recollections of instructions from my boyfriend, I try to remember how to open the bonnet.
At this point, Destiny's Childs' song Independent Women comes in to my head - 'The car I'm driving, I've bought it' - yes, but I don't have a feckin' clue what else to do with it. I contemplated making up that I had managed it fine, that hurrah! I am an independent woman, I bought my car and I can make it work. Luckily, at this point I'm saved from dishonesty by finding the bonnet popping up lever thing, and locating the spring catch thing to make it open. I then proceed to clean away the cobwebs, and stare at my car engine bewildered for a long, long time.
I think I was hoping for the oil, water and water squirting thingys to be labelled with glowing signs saying 'oil', 'water', and 'water squirting thingys' - how else am I supposed to know what is what? Luckily - a part of a car has been designed for clueless women after all - a picture! The water squirting thingys have a picture! Unsurprisingly, there was no water in the water squirting thingy, and as I headed inside to get some, I remembered how I was supposed to know what was what - the book. Thanks dad!
As I get to the right chapter in the surprisingly easy to understand book - weekly checks *ahem* - I find out the correct name for the water squirting thingys is actually 'screen washer reservoir', and that actually, I shouldn't be putting water in it at all, rather, screen wash - makes sense.
Thanks to the book I did manage to locate the oil (although I couldn't check it because the dipper was stuck) the coolant and the screen wash reservoir, and although I didn't actually check the oil and didn't have any screen wash, I have now learnt that my car isn't just a magical thing that goes along - I have to actually do stuff to make it work.
Above that, I've also learnt is that things like car maintenance don't actually get your hands that dirty, don't actually take that long, aren't actually that hard, and really, I've got no excuse for reverting to the helpless female excuse for not doing it. (Just don't tell my boyfriend).
Charlotte Howells is sorry to all the female mechanics she's offended by using the words 'water squirting thingys', 'bonnet popping up thing, and 'spring catch thing' but she would still rather have a manicure than get her hands dirty, which is why she writes for Kiss and Makeup, not Motor Cars Monthly. She's also the editor of Nollie, an extreme sports blog for girls who are addicted to adrenaline.