Charlotte Howells continues her quest to hurdle over those gender stereotypes...
You wouldn't know it to talk to me, but I have actually achieved some things in my life. I've got a first class degree, I've managed to overcome fear and get to a reasonable standard at sports I really am not naturally gifted at, and I write for a living, which is what I've always wanted to do. Yet when people ask me about any of these things, anything about myself in fact, all that comes out is a mumble. A self conscious, wish-I-could-vanish mumble.
Because while men are content to boast, for the most part, us women don't like to shout about our achievements, and if anything, we play them down.
Forget self promotion, I often find myself actively back peddling my status and knowledge in conversation. Ending up resembling some kind of half-brained know-nothing when talking about subjects that I actually know a lot about.
Take snowboarding for example. I write about it, I read about it daily. I spent three months doing practically nothing else but snowboarding on a daily basis. I've read about pretty much every pro, every new movie, every trick variation. I know a lot. But whack me in a conversation with someone who actually knows very little, and I'll agree with them. I'll nod along to something I know is wrong. I'll act like I don't know the precise term for what I'm trying to say, when in fact I actually know ten. I know I'm doing it, yet I can't seem to turn my brain off of gibbering idiot setting and back onto intelligent human being. Am I putting myself down so that they'll feel better? I honestly don't know - but what I do know, is that it's a stupid way to behave, and I'll end up going through life with everyone believing that I know nothing about anything.
I know I'm not alone, I have highly intelligent friends who put themselves, their jobs and their bodies down to the point that I want to scream at them to stop. Ultimately, I suppose it comes down to self esteem. And it seems, self esteem wise, that some women haven't moved on from the times when men were encouraged to humour their wives when they had an opinion.
Unfortunately, self esteem isn't available to buy in multi-packs in Tesco, so I'm just going to have to work with what I've got. It's a small step, but today I went to the hairdressers and actually told them what I wanted in lieu of the usual unauthoritative mumble I emit when they suggest the opposite to what I was hoping for. For once, I got what I wanted, and believe me, it's not often I'm happy with a haircut.
Charlotte Howells is a shy little mouse who'd rather everyone left her alone in the corner, but she's trying to act like a big, brash, boasting man, dammit. She also edits Kiss and Makeup and Nollie.