Queen-Amber.jpg Every Friday the lovely Dollmixers tell us what they would do if they were Queen...

OK, let’s get one thing straight here: when I am Queen there will be no pussyfooting around. I mean, sure, I’ll do my bit for the poor and the needy and all that, but they say God is in the details, so it’s on the little tiny details of life that I will be bringing my powers to bear. Take chewing gum, for instance. We’ll have none of that when I’m Queen. It sticks to the pavement, creates an annoyingingly loud snapping sound when wielded by teenagers (who will also be illegal under Queen Amber’s regime, by the way), and makes people look like a herd of bovine idiots. So chewing gum? Gone.

Also gone: white vans, telemarketers, Celine Dion records and those people who wait until they’re at the head of a huge queue in the supermarket before deciding to spring clean their massive purses. There will be two lanes on every busy pavement: one for normal people and one for those ones who like to stop randomly in the middle of the street, or take up the whole path by walking four abreast and moving reeeaaallly sllooowwwllly. Now, I know all of these rules may seem petty and probably a bit useless, but trust me, they will make the world a far better place. Queen Amber’s the name and “totally intolerant of petty annoyances” is the game. And look, I'm already wearing the tiara...